


Home for Christmas

by KirstyMuir (KMuir90)



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:28:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28247673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KMuir90/pseuds/KirstyMuir
Summary: Claire: Five years ago I left everything behind in Glasgow, including my parents, to start a new life for myself down in London. It’s been... fine. I miss my parents, of course I do. That’s why I decided to come home for Christmas this year.The plan was to arrive late in the evening on Christmas Eve, and leave on Boxing Day before anyone in town knew I was home.Things don’t always work out as you plan though.Not for me anyway.
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser
Comments: 156
Kudos: 282





	1. Chapter One

Claire

Christmas Eve

Five years.

That’s how long it’s been since I’ve been home with my family.

I left Glasgow five years ago to move down to London to attend university and study nursing. The plan was actually to attend medical school when I finished secondary school, but things change. Things don’t always pan out the way you think they will. They way you hope they will. My life may not be the way I always thought it would turn out, but it’s still a pretty good life. Lonely, sometimes, but good enough.

It’s Christmas Eve, and after staying away for the past five years, I’ve decided to make the journey up to Glasgow to surprise my parents. It’s usually them who come down to visit me because I just point blank refuse to come home. Mum’s been laying it on thick the last few months about how she really wishes I would come home once in a while. Well, since I have a few days off over Christmas, I thought this might be the perfect time for me to travel up and see my parents. 

Since it’s the holiday season, I’m hoping to just duck in and out for a few days without anyone knowing I’ve come back. If things turn out as I plan, I should make it home for around nine o’clock tonight, spend Christmas Day at home with my parents before returning to London on Boxing Day. 

I jump in to a cab at the airport and give the address of my parents to the driver. I shoot a quick text off to Mum asking what she’s up to. I need to make sure she or Dad are at home, but I don’t want to make things too obvious that I’m on my way. I want to see the look on their faces when they see me stood on the doorstep of our family home for the first time in five years. 

It takes a good ten minutes for Mum to reply. Apparently she and Dad are over at Murtagh and Jocasta’s place for a game of bridge. 

I let out a deep sigh. Of course they are. How could I forget? My parents have been playing bridge with Murtagh and Jo weekly for the past twenty years. Luckily, I have my old house key still, so I’ll be able to let myself in to the house while they’re out. Hopefully they won’t be out too late.

Technically, I could just tell Mum the truth, that I’m currently sitting in a cab on my way to her place, but I don’t want the fact that I’m home to become public knowledge for everyone to gossip about. I just want to spend a couple of uninterrupted days with my parents over the holidays. It isn’t too much to ask for.

The cab pulls up to the house a good forty minutes later. The house is in complete darkness, apart from the light coming from the small Christmas tree sat on the living room window. 

Mum and Dad haven’t bothered to go overboard with Christmas decorations ever since I was a child. Over the years they’ve been asking me about when I’ll produce them some grandchildren for them to spoil. I know Dad got some real joy in decorating the house for Christmas when I was a child. It’s clear he would want to do the same again if he had grandchildren to enjoy it. 

I’ve only just turned twenty five a couple of months ago, and I don’t have a partner, so I don’t see any grandchildren for them in the near future. I’m not even sure if I want children.

The cab driver kindly helps to bring my suitcase to the front door of the house while I see to fishing around in my handbag for the key.

“I can wait until you’re in, miss.” He says sweetly.

I wave him off. “It’s fine. Honestly.” I assure him. 

We wish each other a merry Christmas before he turns to head back to his cab, and drives away. 

I finally find my keys at the bottom of my bag. I push the key in to the lock, but it doesn’t turn. I pull it out with some difficulty and try again. The key just doesn’t seem to want to turn.

Did they change the locks?

No. They wouldn’t have. If they had, they would have told me and sent me down a new key “just in case of emergencies”, even though I live in London.

Why isn’t the damn key working then?

After another few failed attempts, I make my way round to the side of the house to try and gain entry to the back yard through the gate. Unfortunately, it’s locked from the other side, and I can’t quite get my tiny fingers to reach in to slide the lock across.

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Thankfully, it’s a dry night. No rain, no snow. But, it’s a lot colder here in Glasgow than what it was back in London. At least I have a good winter jacket to keep me warm-ish. I guess I’ll just need to dig out my little red knitted hat and scarf to keep me warm. 

I check my phone and see that I’ve been sat out on the doorstep for nearly half an hour. I stand up and start to pace to try and heat myself up a bit, but it doesn’t work. That’s when I see that the kitchen window isn’t shut properly.

I walk over and manage to pull the kitchen window open wider. 

Excellent.

I drag over the garden bench from the side of the house and leave it under the kitchen window. I’m not too big, so I’m hoping I will be able to squeeze through the window without too much trouble. I remember doing this when I was a teenager. My parents went out shopping and I decided to stay with some friends at the park. I got bored and decided to come home when it started to rain. I forgot my house keys, so decided to try my luck at climbing through the kitchen window. It wasn’t ideal having to then climb over the kitchen sink to get down, but I managed it. Mum and Dad weren’t too happy when they found out what I did though. 

I’m sure I’ll be able to squeeze through now, at least, I hope I can. I’m sure Mum and Dad will just be happy to see me home after all these years, and not worry too much as to how I managed to get in to the house in the first place.

I pull the window open a little wider, just to make sure it’s fully open before climbing up on to the bench.

Here goes nothing.

I reach my hands up to grip the window ledge, but before I get a chance to pull myself up, someone grabs hold of my waist and pulls me back. I start kicking and screaming for this person to let me go, but they don’t. I do however, get them to lose their balance, and we end up crashing to the ground. Luckily, we fall backwards on to the grass, and the person who pulled me back from the window broke my fall. 

I scurry towards the bench to get away from them. It’s too dark in the garden, so I’m unable to make the person out, but I can hear them groan in pain as they roll over on the grass before moving to try and stand.

Whoever the hell this person is though, they’re freakishly tall. 

“Who the hell are you?” I demand. I try my best to keep my voice from shaking, but it’s difficult. “How dare you attack me like this.”

The large, dark figure takes a few stumbling steps back before turning to walk away.

That’s it?

Who is this person? What do they want?

“Excuse me?!” I call out, trying to be as brave as possible. 

I stupidly follow the dark figure out on to the street. The person moves to walk across the quiet road. I stay firmly planted at my side of the street, not wanting to get too close to this mysterious creature. When the figure turns around though, I get the shock of my life when I see the face of the mysterious figure underneath the street light across the road from Mum and Dad’s house.

Jamie.

The man I’ve been doing my best to avoid for the past five years.

The very person I didn’t want to run in to here in Glasgow when I came home.

Jamie.

My ex husband.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for all the wonderful comments on the previous chapter. This is a short fic I was working on ages ago that I found the other day. I decided to re work it a bit and make it fit around the holiday season. The first three chapters are set on Christmas Eve, then it moves on from there. I hope you’ll enjoy what’s to come. 
> 
> We will also get glimpses in to what happened between this pair in the past and what caused them to separate.
> 
> Thanks again for taking the time to read.
> 
> Kirsty X

Jamie

Christmas Eve

“Sorry Janet, but I wilna make it up for Christmas dinner tomorrow.”

“What? And why no?” My sister screeches down the phone at me in severe disappointment.

“I’ve been called in to cover the day shift tomorrow. Twelve hour shift startin’ at eight tomorrow mornin’.” I lie to her. “Sorry. Wish the bairns a merry Christmas fae me, and I’ll see ye all on Hogmanay.” I assure her.

Jenny scoffs down the phone. “And why is it always you gettin’ roped in to work every Christmas, Jamie? It’s the same every year.” Jenny argues.

“I dinna have a family, Janet. But I dinna mind the work. I like to keep busy.”

“Ye have a family, Jamie.” 

A silence falls between us before my sister wishes me a merry Christmas and hangs up the phone. 

Aye. She’s definitely disappointed in me.

I havena spent Christmas wi’ my family in five years. It wasna a choice. No really. No at first. Well, that’s a lie. Five years ago, I decided I wanted to spend Christmas here in Glasgow on my own. I told my family I was spendin’ the holidays wi’ some of my closest friends, but I’m fairly certain they didna believe me. Still, they didna try and push me to travel up to our holiday home, Lallybroch for the holidays. For that I was grateful.

The next three years after that, I was workin’. Either coming off a night shift on Christmas Day, or workin’ either a Day or Late shift.

This year however, I am completely free over the next few days. The plan was for me to travel up to Lallybroch to join my sister and her family for Christmas, but I’m no really in the mood for a big family celebration. I’m quite happy stayin’ at home on my own and do some bits and bobs around the house. Might even pop over the road and check in on Julia and Henry. I ken they have plenty friends in the city, but their only daughter is livin’ down in London these days. They only see her maybe once or twice a year when they go down to visit her. I like to check in on them now and again. Make sure they’re alright. That’s the main reason I decided not to sell my house and move closer to my own family at the other side of the city. I wanted to be here for the Beauchamp’s in case they needed me. I’ve always had a strong relationship wi’ the couple. I’m glad that it’s never changed.

After my phone call wi’ my sister, I begin to get a bit restless. It’s always the same when I blow out on our plans. I always feel guilty, just no enough to change my mind.

I need to try and get out of my own head for a while. The gym will be closing soon, but that doesna mean I canna get myself changed and go for a run. It might be dark outside, but that just means I wilna bump in to anyone on my usual route. 

Just as I step outside the front door, I hear something scraping along the ground. Sounds like it’s coming from across the street. The street lights are a bit few and far between on our street, but I can just about make out a figure in the dark over in the Beauchamp’s front garden. 

I pull out my phone just to check the time and see that it’s only just after nine thirty. Henry’s car isna in the drive way, but that isna unusual. Henry and Julia will probably be over at my Auntie Jo’s playin’ some card game and havin’ a few drinks.

I decide to creep over the road, just to see what in the hell is goin’ on. The neighbourhood isna really known for break in’s or anythin’ like that, but ye canna be too careful these days. 

Unfortunately, it looks like Julia forgot to close the kitchen window properly again, as I can see someone about to try and climb through the space.

I dinna think so.

Just as I see the person reaching to pull themselves up, I run over to the window and grab them by the waist to pull them back. The person isna as heavy as I imagined they would be. So it’s really easy to pull them back.

That is until they start kicking and try to wriggle out of my grip as they screech and scream. I lose my balance and fall back on to the grass wi’ the perpetrator fallin’ back on top of me as well. They climb off me almost straight away and crawl as quickly as they can back over to the bench they had just used to climb up to the window. I roll over on to my side as a flash of pain hits me and I groan out. Somehow though, I manage to gather enough strength to slowly stand up. Just as I go to take a step towards the perpetrator who was tryin’ to break in to the Beauchamp’s, I hear a familiar voice speak up.

“Who the hell are you?” She demands. I try my best to get a good look at her in the dark, but it’s no use. It’s definitely her though. I could never forget that sweet English accent of hers. Somehow it never dulled wi’ the years she spent livin’ here in Scotland. 

“How dare you attack me like this.” She adds. I canna see her, but I ken she’ll be juttin’ out that wee chin of hers in anger as she stomps her foot.

I decide it’s best if I dinna answer her. The last thing either of us needs right now is some sort of uncomfortable reunion. At the moment, my ex wife doesna even ken it’s me that’s stood before her. Maybe that’s for the best. 

I take a few stumbling steps back before turnin’ to walk away from her. It’s for the best I tell myself. At least I ken it isna some stranger tryin’ to get in to the house and rob the place the night before Christmas.

“Excuse me?!” Claire calls out to me as I walk off. 

I can feel her followin’ on behind me, but I dinna answer. At least she’s wise enough to keep a distance between us, but she shouldna be tryin’ to confront a stranger in the dark in the first place.

I cross over the road to head back to my own house. The house we once shared together. I ken she hasna followed me over, but I just ken she’s watchin’. I can feel her wee eyes piercing right through me.

Against my better judgement, I turn around to get one last glance at her. She’s lookin’ right at me. And by the way her hand moves to cover her mouth in shock at what she sees before her, I ken she now kens it was I who pulled her from the window.

We dinna say anythin’ we just... stand there and stare at one another. After a few minutes, I decide to head back inside. 

What is she doin’ back? Before she left me, she swore she would never set foot in Glasgow again. Swore she would never stand in front of me again. Claimed over and over that she never wanted to see me again.

Neither Henry nor Julia mentioned Claire was coming home when I was over there for dinner the other night. Sayin’ that, since their daughter left five years ago, it’s been a silent understanding that we dinna talk about her. Not after the divorce was finalised anyway.

Why was she tryin’ to climb through the window though?

I make myself a coffee and move from the kitchen to sit in the livin’ room. When I go to pick up the remote for the television, I glance out the window and notice Claire still stood out on the street watchin’ the house. My house.

I throw the remote down on to the couch before placing my hot mug down on a coaster on the coffee table. I then grab my jacket and make my way back outside. I dinna venture over the road, but I stand at the end of my drive way and cross my arms over my chest.

“Take it ye canna get in?”

Claire doesna answer, just stares at me.

“They probably wilna be home for a good while yet. Why don’t ye come in and I’ll make ye a tea?” I offer.

“No thank you.” Claire huffs. “I’m just fine out here.”

“Ye’ll catch yer death, Claire. Come on, a’fore the rain starts.”

Reluctantly, Claire agrees. Before she comes across through, she heads back to her parents’ place to close over the window and grab her bags.

“Yer parents never mentioned ye were visiting.” I comment as Claire moves past me to come in to the house. I close the door behind us and follow her into the livin’ room.

“They don’t know I’m here. Was meant to be a surprise.” Claire mutters. “Mind if I use the loo? I’ve been sat out there far too long.”

“Aye. Ye ken where it is.”

She doesna answer, just pushes past me and locks herself in the bathroom. I move her wee suitcase and her bag over to beside the couch so neither of us trip over them.

I get to work on making Claire a wee cuppa tea when Adso appears. I manage to shoo him back over to the livin’ room and in to his wee bed that sits in the corner.

Claire comes back just moments later.

“Maybe I should just call Mum and explain I’m here. I don’t want to disturb your evening.” 

I wave her off and pass her the cup of tea. “It’s fine, Claire. They normally get back around ten or eleven. Ye’re more than welcome to stay until they come back. Would be a shame to ruin the surprise now, eh?”

“If you’re sure?”

I nod my head once before fallin’ in to the chair behind me that sits across from where Claire stands. “Ye can sit down.” I tell her.

Claire gives a nervous smile before sittin’ in the old armchair she purchased from a charity shop in the city just after we married.

There’s a silence between us, and to me, it doesna feel all that awkward. Dinna get me wrong, the woman left me five years ago, and it’s strange to have her sat here in front of me now, but at the same time, it’s nice. I like that’s she’s home. Even if she isna here for me, she still belongs here. She might not have lived in this city, or this house for five years, but this house is still as much Claire’s as it is mine.

“Working this Christmas then?” Claire asks me out of nowhere. 

“Nah. I mean, Jenny thinks I am, but... nah.”

“Thought you would be up at Lallybroch with the family if you’re not on shift.” Claire comments dryly.

“Havena spent my Christmases in Lallybroch for a few years now.” I tell her.

“How come?” She asks immediately.

I let out a deep breath and take another sip of my coffee. “Work.” I half lie. “This is the first Christmas I’ve had off in a wee while, but I just didna fancy the journey up to Lallybroch on my own this year. I’ll maybe venture up for Hogmanay to ring in the New Year wi’ everyone, but I dinna ken yet.”

Silence falls between us again. This time it is awkward. Only because I can see by the way Claire sits uncomfortably on her wee chair that she really doesna want to be here.

“Why?” I ask. 

Claire’s head whips up at lightning speed. I can understand how that one word could be a loaded question for me to ask her, so I decide to ask my actual question a wee bit more clearly.

“Why did ye come back? Why now? 

“Ye left over five years ago, Claire. No one except yer parents have seen or heard from ye since. It wasna just me ye walked out on Claire, it was all our friends. My entire family. They loved you like ye were their own and ye just abandoned them.

“So... why did ye come back now?”


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Thanks again for all the wonderful comments and kudos for this wee fic. I really appreciate you all taking the time to follow along.
> 
> I hope you’ll enjoy more as it unfolds.
> 
> Kirsty X

Claire

Christmas Eve 

“So... why did ye come back now?”

Of course he feels the need to ask questions. Why can’t the man just let us sit here in peace and quiet. Why do we need to speak? What’s wrong with turning on the stereo, or the television and just not talking? 

As grateful as I am for his invite to come inside instead of waiting out in the cold, I don’t think this is really such a good idea. Why the hell did I agree to come in? Of course he isn’t going to just sit there and not speak. He’ll have questions. Just as I do, but will it really make any difference to ask them? After five years, what is there we could possibly say to each other that could make anything better?

I place my cup of tea down on the coffee table that sits between us. “Thank you for the tea, but I should get going.” I tell him.

Unfortunately, there’s a crack of thunder rumbling outside. I glance to Jamie, and I notice him raise a brow at me.

“I dinna think ye’ll be goin’ anywhere in that weather, Claire. Yer parents will probably return home soon now that the weather has turned.”

I turn in my seat to look out the window and I can see flashes of lightning in the distance. 

“Fine.” I huff.

After an hour of sitting around waiting on my parents to return home, and with the weather starting to get worse, I decide to give Mum a call. I really didn’t want to tell them I was here over the phone, but maybe I don’t have a choice.

Jamie takes the opportunity to make us some fresh tea as I call up Mum.

“Hello sweetheart. Everything alright?” Mum asks brightly. A little too brightly. She’s obviously had a fair bit to drink tonight. Brilliant.

“I’m good. Just wondering where you and Dad are?”

“I told you earlier, sweetheart. We’re with Jo and Murtagh this evening.” Mum responds.

“Still?”

“Well... yes. There’s an unexpected storm going on outside, so your father and I decided to stay here for the night. We’re spending tomorrow here anyway, so it just makes since to stay overnight.” Mum explains.

“Of course.” I mumble.

I chat away to Mum on the phone for a few minutes before hanging up. I decided not to tell her about me being in town as she’ll just worry about me being here on my own. I also thought it wise not to mention the fact I’m with Jamie. She would only just get over excited and start bringing up the past again. 

Every time she and Dad come to visit, she always makes a point of reminding me how disappointed she is in me for walking out on my husband the way I did. I can understand why she would feel like that, but no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors between two people. No one knows how Jamie and I were with each other towards the end. We might have seemed like we were happy and in love, but we weren’t. Happy, I mean. We still loved each other, it just wasn’t enough in the end. We had been through so much during our short marriage, and in the end, we just wanted different things.

I don’t regret marrying Jamie when I was only seventeen years old. I will never regret my marriage to Jamie. We just simply weren’t meant to be.

“Uh... Mum and Dad are staying at your Aunts tonight. I’ll see if there are any hotels available for the night.” I say to Jamie.

“Dinna be silly, Claire. Ye canna gan out in that weather. Ye can stay here the night.”

“I really don’t think that’s a good idea, Jamie.”

“Nonsense. Ye can take the bedroom and I’ll sleep out here on the couch.” Jamie says with a soft smile.

“Uh, what happened to the other bedroom?”

There’s silence for a few moments before Jamie starts to speak. “I turned it in to a wee workshop type thing.”

“Workshop?” I question.

“Aye. It’s no that big, but big enough for me to work away on small projects and such.”

“Projects?”

“Aye. Projects. I would show ye, but I dinna think ye would be all that interested.” Jamie grunts through his teeth at me.

When Jamie and I first moved in to this house a few months after we married, we didn’t have all that much spare cash to furnish the place, so Jamie took to trying to build things out of wood and things. Some of his work was really beautiful, but nine times out of ten, he would start a project and not finish. Scraps of wood, plastic and tools would be lying around the house. If Jamie got bored of working on something, he would just leave everything at his arse. Everything was left for me to clear away. 

I know Jamie always found it difficult when we moved in to our new home because he felt inadequate as a husband because he wasn’t able to provide for us properly. We had everything we needed though, and I was happy enough in our new marriage and our little house. Our parents helped us with the bigger things, and Jamie and I managed to budget quite well for everything we needed. Maybe we couldn’t afford a brand new car, or fancy holidays abroad, but as far as I was concerned, everything I ever needed, everything I ever wanted was inside these four walls.

“Manage to complete any of these projects?” I ask sarcastically. I don’t know why, the man just offered me a warm bed for the night. Why am I being so hostile towards him?

“Quite a few, actually. Got a wee side business goin’ and even managed to sell some of the items I’ve made.” Jamie responds smugly.

“Well, I’m glad.” I say genuinely. “There is no denying your talent when it comes to woodwork. I only wished you were inspired more when we were together.” I say quietly.

There really was no denying Jamie’s talents for carving things out of wood, or melting down plastic to create some unusual creations. One of my favourite things he ever built was a wooden rocking chair. It’s actually one of the only things he ever completed after we moved in. I could have sat in it for hours and hours after he brought it into our bedroom. 

Jamie leaves me in the living room so he can go and make up the bed for me. I help myself to a fresh cup of tea. I’m amazed at how the kitchen is exactly the same as it was five years ago. The only difference is the new dishwasher. Not that I’m surprised. The one we had when we moved in was really old. It belonged to the previous owners, but they kindly left it behind for us. It still worked, but it wasn’t that up to date. Jamie’s in a well earning job as a policeman, so I suppose he can afford luxuries like new dishwashers now. It’s just strange to me how the house still looks exactly how it did before I left. Most of the furniture is still the same too. 

It’s... strange.

“Beds all made up for ye, Claire. I left out some fresh towels for ye as well.” Jamie says as he comes back through from the bedroom.

“Thank you.” I say and hand him over a fresh mug of coffee. Unlike me, Jamie can drink coffee at all hours of the day and it doesn’t affect his sleep pattern. Obviously that hasn’t changed.

We make our way back through to the living room, and that’s when I see my baby snuggled up in the corner.

“Adso?” My beautiful fur baby lifts his little head at the sound of his name and comes towards me. It’s been a while, so he takes the time to circle my feet a couple of times. I place my cup down on the table and then bend down to lift him up in to my arms. “Mummy has missed you so much.” I tell him, but to my surprise, Adso hisses at me and brings out his claws in an attempt to scratch at my arms. 

Jamie comes towards us straight away and peels my once loving cat away from me.

“Sorry, Claire. He isna normally like that.”

“Uh, no.” I say. “I remember him being a cuddly little thing.”

“Aye.” Jamie breathes before setting Adso back in his bed. “Just isna used to ye, I suppose.”

“I suppose not.” I mutter under my breath.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, but it’s still a shock. Adso was one of the best presents Jamie ever gifted me. Leaving him behind was the most difficult decision I ever had to make, but I didn’t want to leave Jamie alone here. I knew he would have his friends and family, but I thought that leaving Adso with him was for the best. Now I can see that Adso hates me for leaving. I don’t blame him. I hated myself for leaving.

“Why did ye come back Claire? Ye never did answer me before.” 

I suppose he really isn’t going to let this go, is he?

Adso moves out from his bed again and heads over to where Jamie stands. Peering up at Jamie from beside his legs, just begging to be picked up.

“Mum’s been banging on at me for years to come home once in a while, but I always came up with some excuse. Honestly though, I don’t know what made me decide to come back now. I just... did.”

“How long did ye say ye were stayin’ again?” Jamie asks as he sits down with Adso on his lap.

“Leaving on Boxing Day.” I answer.

Jamie nods his head once as he watches me curiously.

“So... ye thought ye’d just swan in for a few days and leave wi’out a word tae anyone?” 

I can tell Jamie’s getting annoyed, but I honestly don’t understand his problem. We’re divorced. Have been for quite some time now. We haven’t seen or heard from each other since. Did he really think I would call him up when I came home to arrange a get together?

“Frankly, yes. I came back to surprise and spend Christmas with my parents. I didn’t bank on seeing you at all, actually. 

“Especially when we sold this house, Jamie. So would you mind telling me how you’ve come to still be living here?” I snap at him.

“I dinna think that’s any of your business, do you?” Jamie throws back at me.

I take a sip of my tea before storming through to the kitchen to wash my cup and put it away. Jamie follows me and does the same.

“I didna mean to snap, Claire. It’s just... seein’ ye here. It’s... so familiar, but strange at the same time.”

“I know.” I whisper. “Maybe I should see about finding a hotel for the night. This clearly wasn’t a good idea.”

“Dinna be silly, Claire. The room is all made up for ye.” Another crack of thunder starts and we see some more lightning flashing in the near distance from the kitchen window. “Besides, I wouldna feel comfortable wi’ ye out there on yer own in some hotel wi’ all this goin’ on.”

It isn’t that I’m afraid of the thunder and lightning, but it isn’t my favourite thing in the world. Jamie was the one person that always made me feel safe and secure during winter storms.

“Off ye go to bed, Claire. I’ll be right through here if ye need me. Just call out and I’ll come straight to ye.” Jamie tells me with a bright smile.

“Thank you, Jamie.” I say before making my way through to our old bedroom. The one he still occupies without me. 

When I step inside the bedroom, I’m surprised to see it’s exactly the same. Why I’m surprised, I have no idea. Jamie hasn’t changed anything else about the house except turning the second bedroom in to a workroom.

The bed is still facing out the window. All the furniture is in the same space, but I notice that the chest of drawers and the bedside tables on each side of the bed are new. They look incredible. Without even having to ask, I know immediately that Jamie created these wonderful pieces of furniture. Our favourite wedding photograph that we had printed on to a canvas still hangs on the wall above our bed. A framed photograph of Jamie and I still sits on his bedside table. The only difference is none of my belongings are here anymore. Well, not much anyway.

It feels strange to be back here. In Glasgow. In this house. In this bedroom. But it also feels... right in some way. I feel at peace here. I don’t know if I would feel such if I was in my old room over the road at Mum and Dad’s place. It’s strange.

There’s a gentle knock on the bedroom door. I walk over and open it slightly to find Jamie on the other side. Well obviously. Who else would it be?

“Just wanted to wish ye a good night, Claire.” He says shyly.

I smile up at him. “Goodnight Jamie. And thank you again for taking me in. You really didn’t have to.”

“I did, Claire.”

“No, you didn’t. I wouldn’t blame you if you left me to freeze to death out in that storm.”

“What were ye doin’ at yer parents kitchen window anyway? Were ye really gonna try and climb through it?” Jamie laughs and I smile up at him again. “Ye arena a wean anymore, Sassenach.”

Sassenach.

At the sound of my old nickname dropping from his lips, my smile falters. I never really realised how much I missed the name until he just said it. It was the first of many Gaelic nicknames Jamie came up with for me. From the very first day we met as children, I was his Sassenach.

“I, um... should get some sleep. It’s been a long day.” I say quietly, unable to quite look Jamie in the eye now.

“Of course. I mean it though, just call out of ye need me. And ye ken where the kitchen is if ye need anythin’ from there.”

I nod my head and watch as Jamie turns to head back down the hallway to the living room.

I close the door and collapse backwards in to the bed.

What they hell am I doing here?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... so, the next chapter is set on Christmas Day. I am planning to post at some point tomorrow afternoon, but it might be Boxing Day instead. We’ll see how the day goes.
> 
> Anyway... I hope you all have a wonderful holiday, and I’ll be back with these two and their strange Christmas encounter soon.
> 
> Stay safe everyone 🤍


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a wee trigger warning about this chapter... there is mention of a car accident, but no full details. Also, mention of cot death. Not the happiest of chapters I’m afraid.

Jamie

Christmas Day 

I didna get much sleep last night. It isna that the couch isna comfortable, but I just couldna get over the fact that Claire was home. That she was asleep in the bed we used to share once upon a time. I was just lying there thinking about the relationship Claire and I shared all them years ago. Our wedding day. How happy we were to spend the rest of our lives together. We didna have much when we first wed, but we had each other, a roof over our heads, and family and friends that supported us through everythin’.

By the time half six rolls around, I get up and make my way through to the bathroom for a quick shower. I have no fear of Claire waking any time soon. She always was one to sleep in as long as possible. Makes me wonder how she manages wi’ her shifts at the hospital.

After my shower, I make some coffee and toast some bread. I need to nip out for an hour or so, so I’ll have a proper breakfast prepared for Claire and I when I return. Hopefully she’ll be ready to get up when I return. She said her parents were spending Christmas at my Aunts house today. I kent they all decided not to travel up to Lallybroch this year, but I just assumed the Beauchamp’s would have hosted Murtagh and Jo at theirs instead. For the life of me, I canna work out why they would be spending the day at Jo’s.

I sneak in to the second bedroom down the hall to grab a couple of things I need before moving to head out. Unfortunately, as I come out of the second bedroom, Claire opens the door of my own bedroom to come out. 

I move out to the hallway as quickly as possible so I can close the door behind me so she canna see in to the room I just came from. I told her I turned it in to a workshop, but I didn’t. She doesna need to ken what lies behind this door though. 

“Ye’re up early the day.” I comment.

“And a merry Christmas to you too.” Claire scoffs. “What time is it anyway? I think I left my phone in the kitchen.” She responds nervously.

“It’s no even half seven yet.” I tell her. “And aye... merry Christmas, Claire.”

Claire nods her head once and moves to head in to the bathroom.

“I... uh... have to pop out, but I should be back in an hour or so. Help yerself to breakfast and such, and I’ll take ye over to Jo’s in a while. That sound good?” I ask before moving to get past her and head out as soon as possible.

Just as I go to pass Claire though, she grabs a hold of my wrist to pull me back.

“Are those Christmas wreathes?” Claire asks as she looks down to see what I’m holding in my hand.

I look down at them myself before returning my gaze to her. “Aye.” I answer. “Like I said, I’ll be back in an hour or so.” 

I make a move to head down the hallway and grab hat, scarf and jacket.

“Where did you say you were going?” Claire calls after me.

“I didn’t.” I grunt out before gettin’ myself ready and walk out the door.

I hate that I was so rude to her. But what was I supposed to say? Would she have even cared if I told her the truth about where I was goin’ and what I was doin’? She probably would have cared, actually. She might even have liked the opportunity to come wi’ me, but I never asked her. 

But no, I did the right thing by no tellin’ her my plans for this mornin’. This is just one other thing she turned her back on when she decided to move down to London and never look back. I’m sure if she wanted to, she would come herself.

I arrive at the cemetery less than ten minutes after leaving my house. I get out of the car and grab everything I need. I ken Jenny visited only a few weeks ago, but I’m fairly certain the headstones could do wi’ a wee clean up again.

I make my way over to the side of the Kirk and head straight for the black heart shaped headstone that was only erected three years ago.

In Loving Memory of   
Brian Fraser  
Died 6th November 2017  
Aged 60 Years  
Beloved Husband of  
Ellen MacKenzie Fraser  
Died 7th November 2017  
Aged 58 Years

I start off by wiping away all the leaves that have fallen on to the stone from the trees that stand next to the grave. I then open up the bottle of water I brought wi’ me and start to gently wash over the grave wi’ the cloth I brought. I then lay down a wreath next to the one Jenny brought when she last visited. 

I try and visit the cemetery once a week. Some people may think that too much, but I just hate goin’ so long wi’out comin’ out here and visiting my loved ones. As strange as it may sound to some folk, I feel closer to them here than I do anywhere else. I havena managed out for a couple of weeks because of my shifts at work. I always make a point of coming every Christmas morning though.

I dinna ken how long I stand there at my parents grave, just lookin’ at the stone. It’s hard to believe it’s been three years since the car accident that took their lives. Da was killed instantly, but we had some hope for Ma to pull through. Unfortunately, she died the next morning in the hospital. It was tough, but as a family, we pulled through. My older brother Willie always said it was only right they went together like that. He’s right. I dinna think either one of them would have been able to cope wi’out the other. 

I honestly believe if the accident happened when we were bairns, my mother would have fought harder to stay, but all three of her children are grown now. I think she believed she was better goin’ wi’ Da. 

We miss them every day, but there’s is somethin’ quite poetic in the way they parted this world together. I just ken they’re looking down on us all and lookin’ out for us as best they can.

“Your... your parents are dead?!”

I turn my head slightly to the left to find Claire stood just behind me, staring at my parents’ gravestone like she can’t believe what she’ seeing. I never even heard her coming towards me. I was aware of other people visiting, but I was too focused on paying my respects to my parents to take notice as to who was coming and going.

“Aye. Car accident three years ago.” I answer her softly.

“No one told me.” She whispers. Claire takes a few steps closer and stands right by my side. “Why didn’t anyone tell me? Why didn’t you tell me?” I can see the tears filling in her wee golden brown eyes. “I would have been here for you, Jamie. For everyone.”

“Ye had yer own life to live, Claire.”

“They weren’t just my ex in-laws, Jamie! Brian and Ellen... well, they were like second parents to me. Someone should have told me what happened.” Claire demands. 

I ken she’s upset she never knew. I understand that. As far as I was aware, she did ken. I had no reason to suspect otherwise. I just assumed she never came to the funeral because she either couldn’t due to her studies, or she found it too painful to come back. And I completely understood that.

“I thought ye did ken, Claire.” I tell her. “If ye want to ken the whole story, I promise I’ll tell ye after. But... there’s someone else I have to visit now.” 

I see Claire turn to look over in the direction of the children’s graveyard at the other side of the cemetery.

“I... I don’t know if I can face it.” Claire’s voice wavers as she speaks. 

“I never asked ye to come, Claire. This is something I do every Christmas morning. I wasna gonna just change my routine because ye showed up out of the blue.” I tell her before turning back to look at my parents’ headstone again. “I have something I would like to say to them, Claire. I dinna think ye would want to hear it though.” I fish about in my jeans pocket to find my car keys. “Here, ye can wait in the car. I might be some time.” I tell her.

Claire takes the keys, but she makes no effort to move away. Well, if she’s gonna stand here, she might as well hear what I have to say. I’m not gonna not mention our daughter just because Claire’s stood here. Every time I come and visit my parents, I ask them to keep looking out for my baby girl. I will ask them now like I always do. Claire had the opportunity to walk away, but she stayed right by my side. 

“Merry Christmas, Ma and Da. Please keep an eye on wee Faith, aye? I hate to think of her all alone up there. I just wish all three of ye were here wi’ me now. I love ye, and miss ye both so much.” I lift my hand and reach over to touch the headstone before stepping back to pick up the other wreath I brought, and the water bottle and cloth. I begin to move away, but Claire doesna follow.

That’s fine by me.

I make my way over to the children’s cemetery and head straight for my daughters grave. 

In Loving Memory of  
Faith Elizabeth Julia Fraser  
Died 2nd August 2014  
Aged 6 Months

I smile as soon as I see the other wreath sat next to the one Jenny and Ian left. Henry and Julia must have come by in the last couple of days to lay it. I lay my own wreath just in front of the two already laid down. 

I get to work on cleaning the stone. It isna so bad since there are no trees around this area like over beside Ma and Da’s stone, but I like to give it a wee clean every time I come anyway. 

“Well a leannan, I got the surprise of my life last night when I came face to face wi’ yer mother for the first time in five years. She’s here just now in fact, just over visiting yer grandparents. I would love to tell ye she’ll be over soon, but ye ken yer Ma, Faith. She always was one to struggle to come and visit ye here. No that I blame her. No parent should ever have to come and visit their child like this. I ken she hasna forgotten ye, though, Faith. I believe yer mother would just like to remember ye as ye were. A happy and healthy wee thing—“

“Jamie?”

I hear Claire speak from behind me. She’s still a wee bit away from our daughters grave, but she’s close enough that I ken she’s here.

“Ye dinna have to be here, Claire. I wilna think any less of ye if ye want to go back to the car. I’m sure Faith would understand too.” I assure her gently.

Claire always did struggle wi’ the thought of coming to the cemetery to visit Faith. In fact, she’s never actually been to visit our daughter here since the day of the funeral. Hasn’t even seen the headstone since it was put up. 

Claire slowly makes her way towards me. I reach out my hand to her, and she takes it immediately, like she needs to hold on desperately. 

“I don’t... I...” Claire stammers, unable to get her words out as more tears pool in her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Jamie.”

And there it is. 

Again.

Claire apologising for somethin’ that wasna her fault. Somethin’ that neither of us could have foreseen or prevented.

I pull Claire in to my arms and let her rest the side of her head against my chest. I place a kiss on top of her head and gently rub my hand up and down her back to try and soothe her.

“Faith’s death wasna your fault, Claire. It was no ones fault.” I try and assure her, but I ken Claire better than anyone, and no amount of time will ever convince her otherwise.

I feel guilt myself, but not over what happened. That couldna have been changed. What I do feel guilty about, is not bein’ there when it happened. I had just started my probation as a PC. Claire and I went out with some friends one weekend to celebrate the start of my new career. It was my sister, Jenny, and her husband, Ian that was babysitting our daughter that night.

Claire and I werena ones for goin’ out all that often after Faith came along. She was our world. It was our friends and our parents that had encouraged us to go out and enjoy ourselves.

So... we did.

I remember getting the phone call from Ian just after ten o’clock. He was in bits. I could barely make out what he was tryin’ to tell me. All I could really hear was my sister cryin’ hysterically in the background. That was enough to make me panic and take Claire home right away. 

SIDS.

Our beautiful baby girl died of sudden infant death in her sleep.

She was a happy and healthy wee thing, and then she was just gone. Claire and I never fully recovered after that. We tried. We really did, but loving each other as much as we did just wasna enough any more. 

After a while, when we were trying to put our lives back together, Claire applied to university to study nursing and got accepted to a few universities in Scotland, but it was one down in London she then decided on instead.

She asked me to go wi’ her. Begged me to try and start a fresh somewhere new. I couldna though. I couldna leave everyone behind. I couldna leave Faith behind. In the end, Claire just left. No warning. Nothing. 

I kent she had her sights set on London, but I was praying she would stay. She never out right said otherwise. Then one morning, I came home from a night shift to find my wife had left me. 

She was still grieving. Struggling wi’ her grief, actually. I assumed she would come home when she was ready. I thought maybe she just needed space. 

Then I found out she wanted to divorce me. She wanted to start a new life in London. Asked me one last time to join her, but when I said I couldn’t, she was adamant we got divorced. Said it was for the best. I was devastated. So was she. But... everyone around me convinced me it was probably for the best. 

Dinna get me wrong.., they were just as devastated as I, but Claire always was a strong woman. We all knew that she wouldna have asked for a divorce if she wasna certain it was what she really wanted. Grief or no.

Claire is the love of my life, and I love her too much to stop her from tryin’ to move on wi’ her life. 

Claire and I stay at our daughters graveside for what feels like an eternity, yet it’s like no time has passed at all. We just stand there holding one another as we look at the space where our baby girl was laid to rest. 

“I came once.” Claire whispers against my chest.

“Sorry?” I ask as I pull back to look at her beautiful face that’s streaked wi’ tears.

“The day I left... I came here to say goodbye to Faith. It was... I never wanted to come back.” It’s like she’s ashamed or somethin’. She canna even look at me as she speaks.

“What made ye come here then? The cemetery, I mean. Today.” I ask.

“I assumed this was where you were coming, so I called a cab and came. I didn’t expect to see you over the other side though. I was curious, so I went over to you. I never expected to find you stood over Brian and Ellen’s grave.”

“It’s okay, Claire. Come on.” I say as I look up to the sky. “Looks like it’s about to rain again soon. Best get back to the house for some breakfast and a proper chat, eh?” 

Claire nods her head and I let go of her to say goodbye to our girl.

“Merry Christmas, a leannan. Keep an eye on yer grandparents for me, aye? I’d really appreciate that.” I step back to beside Claire. “I’ll be back next week before I head up to Lallybroch to see yer Aunt and Uncle and yer cousins. I love you, Faith.” I smile before turnin’ to face Claire. 

Claire falls to the ground to take a better look at the wreath I just lay. 

“Are these... forget me nots?” She asks.

“Aye. Obviously they arena real, but I get the florist to put them in the wreath every year. It didna feel right to leave a wreath from just me. I hope ye dinna mind that I tell her it’s from both her parents?” That just sets Claire off again.

“I was such a terrible mother, Jamie. I don’t deserve you doing nice things like this on my behalf.” 

I pull Claire up to her feet. “Come on. Let’s get home. I think you and I need to have a serious conversation about what happened before. We need to move on properly, Claire. We canna do that if we keep things bottled up to ourselves and refuse to forgive ourselves for things we had no control over.”

Claire nods her head slowly before moving closer to the headstone and resting a hand upon it. 

“I know I haven’t been here these last few years, but it doesn’t mean I don’t think of you every single day, alright? I love you, baby girl.” 

Claire and I walk back to the car in silence, but she’s clinging to my side as if her life depends on it. I should really be tryin’ to keep some space between us. She isna my wife any longer after all, but I dinna want to let her go. It feels good to be needed like this. It feels good that she wants me like this.

I’ll never let go of her until she asks me to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas Everybody! Hope you’ve all had a wonderful day and I hope Santa was good to you all. 
> 
> Thanks for taking the time to read along this wee fic. I know I’m behind on responding to comments, but I’ll try and get back to you all over the next few days.
> 
> The next chapter is still set on Christmas Day, so I’ll try and post that tomorrow, but then might take a few days off and give people a chance to read. I know some people have probably got better things to do than read this over the holidays 😂
> 
> Anyway... Happy Holidays
> 
> Kirsty X


	5. Chapter Five

Claire

Christmas Day 

The drive back home is so quiet. As Jamie drives the short ride home, I just stare out the window and will myself not to cry again. I can see Jamie glancing over at me now and again through the reflection in the window. He’s even reached his hand across to squeeze my knee in reassurance a few times. 

I’m wary to open my mouth to speak. What could I possibly say that would make any of this okay? Make what I did okay?

When we pull up to the house, I’m in some sort of daze and make no effort to unbuckle my seatbelt or move from the car. Jamie, being the kind man that he’s always been, comes round to my side of the car, opens the door and leans over me to unbuckle my seatbelt for me.

“Uh... thank you.” I say softly.

Jamie holds out his had for me to take and he pulls me from the car. We walk up the path to the front door of the house hand in hand. Jamie makes no effort to let go as he unlocks the front door, so neither do I. It feels too good to be like this again. It’s like nothing has changed. We still care about each other. I’m definitely sure about that. He wouldn’t have let me near him last night if he didn’t still care about me. Right?

“It wasna your fault, Claire.” Jamie assures me as he whips up some breakfast pancakes for us in the kitchen.

I keep my hands firmly round my hot mug of tea. I haven’t been able to look him in the eye properly since we were at the grave side. 

Our daughters grave.

“Claire, ye ken it wasna your fault. It was no ones fault. It was—“

“Don’t you dare tell me it was her time to go with god!” I snap at Jamie. 

I don’t mean to, but for months after our baby girl passed away in her sleep, that’s what Jamie kept telling me. I know he was only trying to comfort me, but it did anything but. Faith had only just turned six months old when she was taken from us. We had no time with her at all. 

When I first found out I was pregnant, everyone joked about how my life as I knew it would be over for the next eighteen years because my child would consume every part of me. I didn’t mind. Either did Jamie. We were so excited about becoming parents for the first time. Nothing made us happier. 

Some people claimed we were too young, but we were already married and so in love. It was the natural next step for us. 

Jamie holds his palms up in surrender before turning back to flip some pancakes. 

“Dae ye blame Jenny and Ian?” Jamie wonders softly.

“What?” I question. “Of course I don’t.” I never did. 

Jenny and Ian both blamed themselves for a long time. I never blamed them though, I was too busy blaming myself. I still do. I can’t help it. As a parent who went through something so tragic, and as a nurse, I know there was nothing anyone could do. I know there was nothing I could do, but it still doesn’t make it easier. It still doesn’t stop me from feeling guilty for not being there when my daughter slipped away. 

Jamie and I were never in the habit of going out too often. Even before we had Faith. Everyone convinced us to go out and have some fun to celebrate Jamie joining the police force. It was a good night... until Jamie got that phone call from Ian to tell us to come home as soon as possible.

“Jamie...” I sigh. “Logically, I know it was no ones fault. I know there was nothing anyone could have done to prevent what happened. I can’t help but feel guilty about Faith slipping away all on her own in her cot while you and I were out living it up in town with our friends. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it, Jamie. I will never be able to forgive myself for not being here when our daughter left this world.”

Jamie quickly plates up the pancakes before rounding over to where I sit at the kitchen table. He sits across from me and reaches over to place his hand softly over my wrist.

“I feel the exact same way, Claire.” He tells me truthfully. I can hear it in his voice. The pain of our loss still sits heavily with him, as it does me.

I knew the pain of losing our daughter would never leave either of us, but I didn’t think Jamie felt the same guilt as me. I was so consumed with my own guilt and grief after it happened, that I struggled to see Jamie was struggling just as much. Jamie was the one who was there for me, trying to help piece me back together. He was my rock. But I wasn’t that for him. I tried, but I was so consumed with my own guilt about not being here when our daughter needed us, I felt that I let him down as well as Faith. 

When I left to go down to London, it wasn’t because I didn’t love my husband anymore. It was because we went through something so traumatising, I couldn’t see a way for us to move forward together the way we should. The love we shared for each other was still there, but mixed with the grief and the guilt of losing Faith, it just wasn’t enough to keep us together. I needed to get away. 

I didn’t want to leave Jamie, not really. In fact, when I got my acceptance letter for University in London, I begged him over and over to come with me. He said no. He said he couldn’t be away from everyone around us. He said he needed them. He needed to be here for Faith. 

I completely understood where he was coming from, but I just felt like I was suffocating. We kept trying to move on from our loss. To try and rebuild our marriage, but it wasn’t working. There was this big massive hole in our lives, and nothing we did could ever fill it. 

In the end, I decided it was best just to leave. Not a day has gone by since I left five years ago that I haven’t regretted walking out in my husband the way I did. There is no easy or nice way to leave the only man you’ve ever loved, but maybe I could have done things differently. I should have done things differently.

After breakfast, I decide to take a shower and get ready for the day. I desperately want to know what happened to Brian and Ellen, but after talking about the loss of Faith, I’m not sure if I could cope with another heavy topic of conversation. Maybe I could ask my parents about it tomorrow? I would definitely like to know why they never mentioned their death to me. My parents knew how much I loved Brian and Ellen. My moving away all those years ago didn’t change that. There hasn’t been a day where I haven’t thought about them. Not a day has gone by where I haven’t thought about any of them. Especially Jamie. 

You might wonder why I decided never to return home, or why I never picked up the phone to speak to anyone when I say that, but I did think of them all the time. I never stopped loving any of them. It was just easier for me to try and move on with my life if I wasn’t in contact with anyone from my past. I knew there was no way I could call up my in-laws and speak to them without thinking about the daughter I lost so suddenly. About the husband I felt I had to leave behind.

It was difficult enough to call my parents, or have them come to visit. All it did was remind me of what I walked out on. I always felt guilty about that too. Walking out the way I did, but at the time, I couldn’t see any other way. 

I royally fucked up.

I know I did.

Why Jamie didn’t just leave me out there to freeze to death last night, I’ll never know. I don’t deserve his kindness or his loyalty. I don’t deserve anything from that man after the way I abandoned him when he needed me. 

There is nothing I could ever say or do to make up for what I did. 

When I come out of the shower, I make my way across the hall to my old bedroom to get ready for the day ahead. 

I open my suitcase and pull out the the Ivory blouse and the navy blue trousers I was planning on wearing today, but then I spy the old pair of pale pink jogging bottoms and matching sweatshirt. Not quite the right outfit for celebrating Christmas with family and friends, but after the morning I’ve had with Jamie, I’m not quite sure I’m in the mood to spend the day with my parents and Murtagh and Jo. It isn’t like they know I’m here any way.

Maybe Jamie’s desperate for me to leave though? 

I quickly get changed in to the jogging bottoms and sweatshirt before trying my best to do something with my unruly curls. I did bring products and straighteners so I could style my hair differently for a change, but after the conversation with Jamie about Faith and thinking of what we lost, I can’t think of anything worse than sitting for two hours trying to straighten my hair properly. I simply don’t have the energy for anything at all today.

Once I’m looking a little bit more like a human being, I make my way back down the hallway to find Jamie. He doesn’t seem to be in the house though. After calling out for him a couple of times, I catch a glimpse of him making his way over to the garage. I move closer to the dining room window and watch as he opens the side garage door. I can’t see too much as the door opens, but I see enough to notice that it looks like some kind of workshop inside.

Strange. He said that’s what he turned the second bedroom in to. Does he make that much furniture that he needs two workshops to work in?

I make myself another cup of tea and wait for Jamie to come back inside, but when he doesn’t return after twenty minutes, I decide to take a tour of the house and see what’s still the same and what’s different. 

I reach the the second bedroom. The bedroom our daughter slept in. I hadn’t set foot inside it after the night she died. I just couldn’t face it. 

As I stare at the door and think about how it was six years ago, I have a niggling feeling in the back of my head that tells me to turn around and walk away, yet at the same time, I’m curious to see what Jamie has done with the room.

I take a deep breath before releasing it and placing my hand on the door handle. I slowly push down before pushing the door open. I stand there with my eyes closed, but then I take another deep breath before opening my eyes and taking the first step inside. 

To my surprise, I find Jamie lied to me last night. He hasn’t turned Faith’s room in to a workshop where he builds things out of wood. It’s exactly the same as it was the last time I was in here. The only difference is the wooden rocking chair that Jamie made me after we moved in, is now sat in the corner of the room, instead of sitting in our room.

I take a few unsteady steps towards my baby girls cot. Tears spring to my eyes, and I can’t help but let them fall. The teddy bear Jamie bought for the baby just after we found out I was pregnant sits at the foot of the cot. I want to reach out and pick it up, but I can’t bring myself to do it. It feels wrong to even be in here. Like I’m invading Jamie’s privacy or something.

This isn’t your house anymore, I remind myself. You lost any right to snoop around the minute you walked out that door and refused to look back.

At the thought of me being a stranger in my own daughters room, and feeling like I’m snooping around where I shouldn’t be, I begin to cry harder.

I don’t even hear him coming into the room. I just feel Jamie slip his arms around my waist from behind me and whispering soothing Gaelic words in my ear.

God. I’ve missed this man.

I cry even harder at the feel of Jamie trying to comfort me, so I turn myself in his arms and sob my heart out in to his chest, soaking his t-shirt with my tears. He doesn’t seem to mind, though, he keeps me still against him and continues to lazily run a hand up and down my back to try and calm and soothe me.

After a while, I reluctantly pull myself away from Jamie’s arms. 

“I-I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been snooping. I don’t even know why—“

“It’s alright, Claire. Ye dinna need to apologise.” Jamie smiles sadly at me.

“This is your home, Jamie. You were kind enough to give me a bed for the night, and I repay you by snooping around the place like it’s—“

“Like it’s your home too? It is, Sassenach. This will always be your home. It will always be our home. Whether ye’re here or not.” Jamie explains.

I stare up at him, but I have no words to say.

How can he be so nice and understanding towards me? I left him. I vanished and never looked back. I have no right to be stood in this room crying over our lost daughter, yet here I am.

“Have ye spoke to yer parents yet? Do they ken ye’re here?” Jamie asks me.

“Um... no. I... uh... don’t know if I’m actually in the mood for a family Christmas today. I think I might just call a cab and head in to the city to find a hotel for the night.” I say to Jamie. “Maybe come back tomorrow and see them before heading back to London.”

“I can understand no wanting the whole family Christmas thing, hence why I’m here and no at Lallybroch. I dinna want ye sittin’ in a cold hotel room on yer own on Christmas though, Claire. Ye’re more than welcome to stay here another night.”

“I couldn’t do that, Jamie. It doesn’t feel right.”

“Doesn’t it? I canna think of anythin’ that could feel more right.”

Again, I have no words to say to him. He’s right, it does feel right me being here with him in some ways, but it shouldn’t. Too much has happened. The best thing I could do for the both of us is to just leave and let Jamie get back to living his life without me.

“There is no life wi’out you, Claire.” Jamie tells me as he moves to close the small gap between us.

“Excuse me?” I asked confused. “Did I just—“

“Aye, ye did. I canna tell ye how much I’ve missed ye speakin’ yer wee thoughts out loud, Sassenach.”

“Jamie—“

“Come on, let’s go have a wee dram and talk some more, aye? I think there is a lot you and I need to get off our chests. If we dinna do it now, then when?”

“A dram?” I question. “Jamie, it isn’t even eleven o’clock yet.” I chuckle softly.

“Well... it’s five o’clock somewhere, right?” Jamie points out as he stretches out a hand for me to take. I do, and he slowly guides me out of our daughters room, and back down the hallway to the living room.

This is either going to be very therapeutic, or very messy. I just don’t know which.

“I think it will help us both, Claire.” Jamie says firmly.


	6. Chapter Six

Jamie

Christmas Day 

“Th-that must have been terrible, Jamie. I just... I can’t believe they’re both gone.”

“Aye. Me neither sometimes. Strangely enough, it doesna hurt so much here in Glasgow, but whenever I visit Lallybroch, I miss them all the more. I keep expectin’ Da to drag me out to the fields to get some work done on the land. Or I keep waitin’ on Ma to come and shout on me at meal times. The place just isna the same wi’out them.”

“Is that why you didn’t go to Lallybroch, then?” Claire asks me. “Because it feels odd being there without your parents?”

“Nah.” I say truthfully. “As much as I miss them when I’m there, it doesna stop me from visitin’ the place when I can wi’ Jenny, Ian and the bairns.”

“Then why didn’t you go for Christmas this year? You said you’ve been working previous years, but you’re not working today, so..?”

I place my empty whisky glass on the coffee table beside me, and move to get up from the floor. “Tea? Coffee?” I offer Claire as a way of tryin’ to change the subject of why I choose to spend my christmases alone.

She can see right through me though. Claire stands herself, places her hands on her wee hips. “Don’t change the subject, Jamie. You were the one that said we needed to open up to each other and be honest about things.” She points out.

I roll my eyes. “Aye. By that I meant about us. You and I. What happened wi’ Faith. Why ye left me like ye did.” I correct her. “Not why I decided to have a quiet Christmas at home.”

Claire rolls her eyes at me this time and then scoffs. “I have sat here and opened up to you about everything. Everything, Jamie. You can’t say the same though. All you’ve done is tell me about the accident that took your parents’ lives. But what about you, Jamie? How have you been these past five years? You haven’t told me a thing. Not really.

“I told you about how guilty I still feel about how I wasn’t here when Faith died. I confessed that no amount of grief therapy will ever make me feel any less guilty about that night. I’ve told you about why I felt I had to go. I told you about my years at university. I told you about my job as a nurse at the hospital. I’ve opened up quite a bit in the last few hours, Jamie. You can’t quite say the same, can you?”

I look at Claire as she speaks, and I hear the truth in what she says. All I’ve done is encourage her to open up about her pain and her grief as I sat and listened to her. I Jumped in a couple of times here and there when what she was sayin’ hit home for me. I’m still struggling to open up to Claire fully about my own pain. I think that comes from how things were between us back then. I was so focused on tryin’ to help Claire come to terms wi’ her own grief, I ignored my own pain for a long time.

“Why aren’t you with your family, Jamie?”

“Why aren’t you?”

Claire turns away and takes a deep breath. She’s annoyed wi’ me. I can tell. She starts to pace the floor as she runs a hand through her beautiful brown curls.

Mo nighean donn.

“At least I came back.” She finally shoots at me. “I might have been avoiding spending Christmas with my parents for the last few years, Jamie, but I’m here now.” 

“Really? Looks like it.” I spit at her. “Where are yer parents, Claire? Oh aye, across town at Murtagh and Jo’s. They dinna even ken ye’ve come home, Claire.”

Things are getting toxic between us, but I canna help but snap at her as she snaps at me. It reminds me of how we were after we lost Faith. The slightest thing I did wrong would piss her off and we would stand and snipe at each other before fallin’ in to bed and clawing at each other until we were both satisfied. Then we would be fine for a few days before we would argue again and the cycle would continue. It was heartbreaking.

“At least I’m here, Jamie. At least I’m trying to rebuild things with my family. Why you would choose to stay away from yours on a day like today, I have no idea.” Claire collapses on to the armchair behind her and takes a few deep breaths as she looks out the window in to the front garden. “I’ll have a coffee. Thanks.” She tries to say as calmly as possible, but I can tell she won’t be letting this go.

I make two coffees and leave them both on the coffee table between us before I sit down on my own chair.

“Today should be our eighth wedding anniversary.” I mumble.

“I know.” Claire whispers as she keeps her eyes focused on the window rather than me.

“The year ye left, I just wanted to be on my own. Told them I was stayin’ home to go out wi’ the lads instead. I think they all knew that wasna the truth though, but I was glad when they didna force me to go to Lallybroch wi’ them all. If you werena gonna be there, I didna want to be there either. 

“Then the other years... I had to work. I didna mind that because it kept my mind off everythin’, but this year... I just couldna face celebrating Christmas wi’ them all, Claire. I dinna ken why, I just—“

“I know.” Claire says softly. I look over to her and see her give me a sad smile. “I know. I think that’s why I didn’t want to spend Christmas with my parents. This day is meant to be our day as well, but I fucked that up, didn’t I?”

I rush over to her straight away and crouch down in front of her. “No, Claire.” I assure her. “Ye didna fuck anythin’ up. Ye just did what was right for ye at the time. I canna blame ye for that. Just like I hope ye dinna blame me for stayin’ instead of comin’ wi’ ye. I just couldna leave this place.”

“Of course I don’t blame you, Jamie. We had to do what was right for us. Unfortunately... that meant we had to part.” Claire says sadly.

We stay silent for a while. That is until I see the wee scratch marks on her arms when she rolls the sleeves of her sweatshirt up.

“What the hell happened?” I ask. Panic and concern evident in my voice.

Claire looks down at the marks herself and chuckles. “After you left this morning, I tried to pick up Adso and play with him, but he was having none of it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s my own fault. I can’t expect to just walk in after five years and expect him to be all over me.

“Where is he anyway?” Claire asks as she looks over to his wee bed. “I haven’t seen him in a while.”

I take a peek out the front window to see if he’s in the garden, but then I spot the Beauchamp’s car parked in their drive way.

“Yer parents are home, Claire.” I tell her. “My guess is Adso is over there gettin’ fed.” I laugh. “I swear yer Ma thinks I dinna feed him enough. Truth is, I’ve had to stop feedin’ him sometimes because she over feeds him all the time.”

At that, Claire laughs. “Oh, I can imagine.”

Claire goes quiet again.

“Ye okay, Claire?” I ask.

She nods her wee head slowly. “I just... I guess I should maybe get going then. Now they’re home, I mean. I should head over.”

She doesna seem so sure. And if I’m completely honest, I dinna want her to leave yet. I feel like we’re only just startin’ to get somewhere. What’s to say that if she walks out that door now, I never see her again? I dinna think I could cope if she was to leave me again. I barely coped the first time.

I canna say that though. I have no right to ask her to stay.

“Dae ye want me to walk ye across?” I ask.

Tears pool in Claire’s eyes as she looks straight at me and shakes her head slowly. 

I lean forward to touch my forehead to Claire’s. “Ye dinna need to go.” I whisper.

“I don’t know what to do.” She whispers back.

“Stay.”

Over the next couple of hours, we talk about what we’ve been up to the last five years. I tell Claire about my job. How I see Jenny, Ian and the bairns once a week for dinner. How I see her own parents once or twice a week for dinner. I swear Julia thinks I canna feed myself properly, never mind Adso.

Claire tells me more about her time at Uni. The friends she’s made at work in the hospital, and the life she’s built for herself.

“Are ye happy?” I ask her over another dram of whisky.

Claire nods her head once, but I can tell she unsure of what to say. 

“Enough. I mean... I wouldn’t say I’m happy, but I have a job I love and a good network of friends around me. But, no... I guess I’m not as happy as I should be I suppose. But then, how happy should a person be when they’ve lost everything that’s ever mattered to them?”

“Ye deserve to be happy, Claire. We both do. Neither of us will ever fully recover from the loss of Faith, but ye canna keep lettin’ it hold ye back.”

“I’m not the only one struggling though, am I? I mean, you’re no better off than I am really, are you?”

“I’ve done my grieving Claire. I wilna say it was easy, cause it wasna. I miss our daughter every day, but I’ve accepted the fact she’s gone. I’ve accepted I need to move on wi’ my life.” I tell her.

“But you haven’t. You’re just as stuck in place as I am. In fact, I’d say you’re probably worse off than I am.” Claire argues out of no where.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” I demand.

“This house, Jamie. We sold this house when we divorced, yet somehow you’re still here. Living in this house alone, and it’s still the exact same as when I left over five years ago. You’re just as stuck as me, Jamie. How can you say you’re moving on with your life when you’re still in the same place we were after she died. Her room is still as it was, Jamie. The entire house is exactly the same. I can count on one hand what you’ve actually changed in this house.

“So come on... tell me. How are you still living here? If you’ve been doing your best to move on like you claim you have, then why is everything exactly the same?”

I abruptly stand and start to pace the space on the floor before me, but when I catch Claire’s eye, I turn and walk off down the hallway. I walk straight in to my daughters room and slam the door shut.

I have no clue how much time passes before Claire comes to find me. Unfortunately for me, she finds me collapsed on the floor in tears gripping tightly to one of my daughters cuddly toys.

“Jamie?” Claire reaches out to me, but I canna look at her.

She’s right. I havena moved on. Not even close. There are days where I canna even look towards this room, then others where I come inside to feel closer to Faith and dinna leave for hours.

She’s right. I’m as stuck now as I was six years ago. Nothin’ has changed.

Claire sinks down to the floor in front of me and pulls me in to her arms. 

“I’m sorry. I had no right to have a go at you like that. I’m so sorry, Jamie.” She whispers in to my ear as she cradles me like a small child in her arms. 

Christ, what must we look like?

“Your parents bought the house from us.” I finally tell her. 

Claire snaps her head up at me in complete shock. I never did ask them if they told her about what happened wi’ the house, but they never brought it up either. I suppose it was easier for me no to think about it all too much.

“Why would they do that?” Claire asks me.

“When ye suggested we sell the house, I was afraid to tell ye no. I kent it was what ye wanted, but I couldna bring myself to agree. To say goodbye to this place. I couldna afford tae buy out yer half of the house, and I was so frustrated over it. I was scared of losing the place. 

“What happened to Faith here was terrible, Claire. It broke us. But... there are so many good memories of us here too. This was the first property you and I bought together. It was the place we made our home. The place we lived as man and wife. Faith was conceived here. She lived here wi’ us her whole wee life. I couldna let it go. I let you go, Claire. I let ye leave and I didna come after ye. I didna want to lose our home too. 

“I hoped and I prayed every damn day that ye would return to me when ye were ready. I didna care how long it took, I just wanted to believe ye would some day come back to me. That we would be able to move forward together once we did our healing apart.”

“Jamie—“

“Yer parents could see how devastated I was at the thought of selling up. I think they were still attached to the place too. 

“When they offered to give me the money to buy ye out, I couldna accept it. It felt wrong on so many levels. In the end, they convinced me to sell to them so I could afford to give ye what ye needed, but they would let me continue to live here and rent the place off them. It seemed too good an offer to turn down. My own parents thought we were mad though. Tried to convince me to just sell up and move back home wi’ them, but I couldna. I didna want to think about some strangers movin’ in to our home, Claire. 

“I promised myself that if ye came back to me and said ye couldna face livin’ in this house anymore, then we would find somewhere else, but I couldna just get rid of the house completely, before. I didna want to do somethin’ we would regret. 

“I havena seen or heard from ye in five years though, I started to think I would never lay eyes on ye again. Never hear yer voice again. I decided I needed to try and move on and do what feels right for me. Nothin’ in my life’s felt right since Faith left us. And it got even worse when ye left too. But I still have this place. I still have our memories. Maybe it isna healthy as some people have tried to tell me over the years, but it’s what works for me. 

“So... I’ve been saving the past couple of years so I can buy the house back off yer folks. I havena spoken to them about it yet, but I’m fairly certain they’ll agree. I just need to save that wee bit more.”

“I can’t believe they did that. I can’t believe they never told me.” Claire whispers in disbelief at my side.

“I think they hoped ye would return too. I think they didna want the house to be sold to strangers in case ye came to regret it. I dinna ken. I’m grateful to them though. Especially since they allowed me to keep the house as is.” I tell her.

“I’m glad you’re still here. I’m glad Faith’s room is still there.” Claire takes my hand in hers and rubs her wee thumb gently over my knuckles. “Isn’t it hard though? Having everything still the same after what happened?”

“Sometimes.” I admit. “But then when I have a hard shift at work and I come home, it’s a comfort to me. I dinna expect ye to understand. The only people that seem to get that is yer parents.” 

“I do understand it, Jamie. I can’t begin to tell you how strange it was walking in to our bedroom last night and seeing most things the same. But it was nice. It was really comforting. Made me really believe I was home.”

I wrap my arm around Claire’s shoulder and pull her closer to my side. “Ye are home, Claire. This will always be yer home. Whether ye live here or no. This is our home.” I assure her.

“Jamie?” Claire calls on me from the living room as I make us some tea and butter some scones.

“Aye?” I call back.

Claire comes through to the kitchen and leans against the counter wi’ her arms crossed over her chest.

“As much as I came back to spend a few days with Mum and Dad, I’m glad they weren’t home when I arrived.” 

I put the knife down and look over at her. “Really?”

“Really.” She responds before coming to stand right beside me. I turn myself slightly so we’re face to face. “I’m glad you pulled me from the window last night.” She whispers shyly. “I’m glad you took me in and let me stay the night. I’m glad we were at the cemetery this morning, even though it was difficult, I’m glad I was there.”

“Me too.” I smile at her.

“I’m glad we’ve talked. I’m glad you didn’t leave me out in the cold when you had every right to do so. I’m glad I spent today with you.”

Claire looks up at me through her eyelashes as if she’s embarrassed by all this. I tuck a stray curl of hers behind her ear before leaning down to press a kiss to the side of her mouth.

“I’m glad we spent the day together too. As tough as it’s been at times, I canna think of anyone I would rather be wi’.” I tell her truthfully.

“Jamie?”

“Claire?”

“Can I stay another night?” 

“Ye can stay as long as ye like, Claire.”

“Good.” She breathes out

“Really?”

Claire moves her weight from one foot to the other. “As much as I want to see Mum and Dad, I’m scared that if I walk out that door, I won’t be able to come back. I’m scared you’ll realise you made a mistake in letting me in in the first place and not allow me back in.”

Tucking my index finger under Claire’s chin, I gently tilt her head up to look at me. “This house is still yours as much as it is mine, Claire. Ye are welcome any time ye like.”

I can see Claire’s chest start to rise and fall a little quicker. “Y-you really don’t hate me, do you?”

“Of course I dinna hate ye Claire. I dinna blame ye either. I never have, and I never will.” I tell her forcefully so she understands. “Divorced or no, Claire... you are still my wife.”

She doesna answer or give me time to say anythin’ else. She pushes herself straight in to my arms and wraps hers around my waist. I hold her tight to me around her shoulders and rest my chin on the top of her head after planting a fair few kisses there.

Does this mean she’s gonna stay?

Has my wife finally come home?


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well guys... this is it. The last chapter of Hone for Christmas.
> 
> I hope you’ve all enjoyed it, and I want to thank you all for taking the time to read along.
> 
> I’m behind on comments, but I’m hoping to get back to you all in the next few days.
> 
> I wish you all a Happy New Year, and I hope it proves to be better for us all than 2020.
> 
> Kirsty X

Claire

Christmas Day 

“It’s getting late. I should probably head to bed.” I say to Jamie as I stand from the couch.

It’s been a really emotional day in more ways than one. Jamie and I have talked, and talked. Argued a little. Made up. Talked some more. Held each other. Comforted each other. It’s been a long day, and now I’m ready to sleep and hope for things to be a little easier in the morning.

“Aye.” Jamie agrees. “I’ll leave out some more towels for ye and just grab some more blankets from the bedroom if that’s okay?”

“Blankets?” I ask confused.

“Aye, for me.” He answers. “It’s a bit chillier tonight than it was last night. A couple extra blankets would be handy.” Jamie says with a smile.

I follow him down to the bedroom. Our bedroom. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since I’ve lived here, I still think of this room as ours. The whole house is ours. Regardless of whether Jamie and I own it or not, this will always be our home. I don’t blame Jamie for not wanting to give up the place. In fact, I’m really glad my parents gave him the opportunity to stay here. 

Jamie grabs a couple of towels from the cupboard in the hallway and leaves them on his side of the bed for me before heading over to the wicker basket he made many years ago, to take out a couple extra blankets for himself.

“Goodnight, Claire.” Jamie says before planting a kiss on my forehead. “Dream sweet dreams, aye?”

It’s what he said to me every single night since we married. I couldn’t help but smile. 

“You too, Jamie.” I whisper as he leaves the room.

As I lie awake looking up at the ceiling, I can’t help but think this is going to be another sleepless night. I didn’t sleep much last night, but it wasn’t to do with any sad memories of this house. It was simply because I was aware of Jamie right down the hallway, sleeping on the couch.

This is his room. This is his bed. He shouldn’t have to give it up for me. He shouldn’t be asleep on the damn couch in the middle of winter. He should be in here. In our room. In our bed. 

With me.

Is this just wishful thinking? Would it complicate things too much if I were to ask him to come to bed? Would I regret waking up beside him in the morning?

No. Of course I wouldn’t. It’s all I’ve ever wanted since I walked out that door. It’s why I’ve never fully settled in London. It’s because Jamie isn’t with me.

All these years I thought it would be easier some how if I never contacted him. If I never came home and ran the risk of bumping in to him. All it did was make me even more miserable than I already was. I think my parents sussed that out a long time ago. I think that’s why Mum has been trying to get me to come home for a visit. 

My parents came to visit me at the beginning of August. They do that every year. They come down to London and spend a few days with me over the anniversary of Faith’s death. 

There was one year when they came a few days later. They didn’t tell me why they came later than usual, and more importantly why they weren’t with me on the actual anniversary of my daughters death, but now I know about Brian and Ellen passing, it makes me wonder if they decided to stay with Jamie instead? That would have been the first anniversary since his parents’ death. It wouldn’t surprise me if they decided to stay here and keep an eye on Jamie that year. That makes me happy. I know Jamie has his own family, but I like how my parents still seem to look out for Jamie, even though we’re no longer together.

We should be together though. What exactly have I accomplished by walking away? Nothing really. I had multiple offers for universities here in Scotland. There was no real reason for me to choose London. Only that I was suffocating myself by staying here at the time. But choosing to go to London, that’s probably the biggest mistake of my life. It cost me my husband. My marriage. A chance to move on and grieve properly for our daughters death.

I hear a crash of thunder that pulls me from my thoughts. 

Before I know it, I’m up out of the bed, opening the bedroom door and quickly padding down to the living room to find Jamie.

He isn’t asleep either. He’s sat up straight on the couch, just staring at the wall in front of him. 

Is he thinking about what I’ve been thinking about? Does Jamie know I know I made a mistake when I left? 

“Claire?” Jamie suddenly turns his head to look at me. “Are ye alright?”

“Can’t sleep.” I answer truthfully. There’s another crash of thunder and I jump. “You shouldn’t have to sleep on the couch, Jamie. Come to bed.” I tell him.

“This your way of askin’ me to stay ‘cause yer scared, Sassenach?” Jamie chuckles.

“No.” I bite out. “I’m asking you to come to bed because it’s where you belong. I was planning on coming and telling you to come through before the thunder started, actually,” I tell him pointedly.

Jamie raises his hands up in front of him in surrender. “Alright, alright. Are ye sure that’s okay? I dinna want to make ye uncomfortable, Claire.”

I let out a sigh and walk closer to Jamie. “The only thing making me uncomfortable is lying through there in our bed on my own, while you’re out here on the couch. Please, Jamie. Come to bed.”

As we lie in bed together for the first time in over five years, I feel... complete. I fell like I’m right where I should be. Where I should have always been. 

Neither of us are asleep, but it doesn’t matter. I think we’re both happy to finally be here after all this time.

“Claire, can I ask ye somethin’?” Jamie says almost shyly.

I turn on my side to face him, and he does the same so he can face me. “Of course.”

“Did ye... have ye...” he stammers over his words.

“What?”

“Did ye ever find someone else? I never thought to ask before. I mean... I wondered, but I didna want to ken the answer. I still dinna, but I think it’s only right I ask. Is there someone waiting for ye back home?”

I smile sadly at Jamie. “No.” I whisper. “No, Jamie. I never found anyone else. Even though we’ve been apart all this time, I couldn’t bring myself to move on with someone else.” 

Jamie smiles at me. “Thank Christ.” Jamie says relieved.

“What about you? Did you ever... fall in love with anyone else?” As soon as I ask, I regret it. I don’t want to know the answer. Jamie is a very attractive man, there’s no way he hasn’t had his pick of women over the years. Just because I haven’t been able to bring myself to be with anyone else, doesn’t mean it’s been the same for him. Men have needs after all.

“No, Claire. I’ve never loved anyone, but you.” He smiles at me as he rests his hand on my waist, under the duvet. I can feel his hand on the part of my skin where my top has ridden up just a bit. 

As Jamie gives my waist a gentle squeeze, I can’t help but start to feel emotion again. I swear, I haven’t been this emotional in a long time.

“What about... girlfriends?” Why am I asking this? It’s none of my business, and all I’m doing is torturing myself.

Jamie let’s go of my waist, and I immediately miss the contact of his skin on mine. He sits up on the bed abruptly. His back resting against the headboard. I turn myself over on the bed to turn on the bed side lamp so I can see Jamie properly.

“You don’t have to answer that. I’m sorry. It’s none of my business any way.” I rush out as soon as I face him again.

Jamie looks at me. “It is yer business, Claire. Of course it’s yer business.

“To answer yer question... no. Theres been no other women. Not in my life, and certainly not in my bed. I havena been wi’ anyone since ye left me, Claire.”

“Seriously? No one? No one at all?” I question. I just find it hard to believe that Jamie... actually, never mind. Of course he hasn’t been with anyone else. He isn’t the type to sleep around or start relationships with someone if he couldn’t fully commit to them. 

“No one, Claire. How could I let myself be so intimate wi’ another lass when I’ve been waiting all this time for my wife to come home?”

I smile at Jamie. “Well, to answer one of your earlier questions that I skipped over... I do actually have someone waiting for me at home.”

Jamie’s face falls. I reach out my hand to turn his face to look at me instead of down at his hands.

“You asked me if someone was waiting for me at home, Jamie. I know you meant London, but London isn’t my home, Jamie. It’s where I ran to. Escaped to. It isn’t my home. Never has been. My home is here. With you. You are my home, Jamie.”

Jamie’s face lights up like a Christmas tree. “Ye mean that?”

“Yes.”

Jamie

Boxing Day

To wake up and feel my wife in my arms again is more than I could have ever dreamed of.

“Good morning.” Claire sing songs brightly as she turns in my arms to face me.

I kiss her beautiful full lips. “Good morning indeed, Sassenach.” I smile at her.

I pull her in closer to me, and she rests her wee head on my chest. I run my hand lazily up and down her back as we just lie here and enjoy bein’ wi’ each other again.

“When do you have to go back to work? Today?” Claire asks.

“No. Late shift tomorrow for three days, then day shift for two before a few days off again. Headin’ up to Lallybroch after work on Hogmanay. Fancy comin’ wi’ me? I ken Jenny and Ian would be desperate to see ye. Yer parents should be comin’ too.” 

“Sorry, I’m working over New Years. In fact, I’m back to work tomorrow and working right through until the third of January.”

I tense up a bit, and clearly Claire can feel it as she pulls away from me. “What’s wrong?” She asks me.

“Ye’re still leavin’ then? Today?”

“Well, yes. I have to.”

“Right.”

Claire pulls away from me even further and moves to sit up on the bed wi’ her shoulder leaning against the headboard.

“I have a job, Jamie. I can’t just not go back. As much as I want to stay, I can’t.”

“Got it.” I grit out before pullin’ myself from the bed and heading out to the bathroom to get myself showered and ready.

Just as I step out of the shower, Claire barges in to the bathroom and begins to strip down in front of me before jumping in to the shower cubicle herself. She doesna say anythin’, but the way she refuses to look at me, I ken she isna happy.

Well, neither am I.

I leave her to it and head back to the bedroom to get dressed while she showers. I notice she already has her bags all packed up again and sittin’ by the bedroom door ready to go. There’s a wee bag sittin’ on top of the bed that she’s been using to put her washin’ in. I did offer last night to do her washin’ for her when I put my own load in, but she said no.

Once I’m ready, I head out to the kitchen to see about makin’ some breakfast for us both, only to notice that Claire’s already had hers. Her clean mug sits next to the sink, along wi’ her plate and cutlery. 

There’s a note on the worktop that says she’s made bacon and eggs and she’s left them in the microwave for me.

A note? Could she no have just told me when she barged her way in to the bathroom? What’s she so pissy about anyway? I told her I’ve been sat here waiting in her to come home. When she told me she was home last night, I assumed she had decided to stay. How could I get it so wrong? Was it just all the emotions of her bein’ back here, and the talks about Faith and our past that made her get caught up in some kind of moment and say all that stuff?

How could she hold me the way she did last night, and then wake up this mornin’ and say she’s goin’ back to London? It doesna make any sense.

I eat my breakfast and drink my coffee before headin’ out to the garage. I turned it in to a workshop a couple of years ago when I had people askin’ me if I sold any of the work I’d been doin’. After a talk wi’ my godfather, Murtagh, I decided to go for it. Designing furniture and then building them has been a good hobby of mine for many years. It’s been a good distraction since I lost both my daughter and my wife. I still canna believe that there are people our there that are happy to pay for somethin’ I’ve made.

It’s a nice wee side line from workin’ as a cop. I love my job in the force, but sometimes it can be hard. It’s nice to have somethin’ else to keep me busy on my days off.

At the moment, I’m workin’ on designing a new dining room table for one of the detective inspectors at work. He said I can design it however I like. All he really requested was that it sit eight people around it comfortably.

After a good hour of just staring at the wall in front of me instead to doin’ any actual work, Claire appears at the door wi’ a mug of coffee in her hand.

“So this is the workshop then?” She asks as she takes a step inside and looks around. “Wow. It looks amazing, Jamie.” She gushes.

“Aye.” 

“Listen, about earlier—“

“It’s fine, Claire.” I tell her “Ye dinna need to explain yerself to me. Ye have a job and a life down in London. I canna just expect ye to drop everythin’ to come back here.”

“It isn’t that I don’t want to come back Jamie. You have no idea how much I wish I could just stay here with you, but I can’t. I have things I need to take care of in London. I also don’t want you and I rushing in to anything too quickly.

“It would be so easy for me to just leave my job behind and come home. But you and I have been apart for over five years, Jamie. With no contact between us or anything. The past couple of days have been... emotional. Very emotional. As much as I want to be here with you, I don’t think it would be right to just jump in and try and pick up from where we left off, you know?”

As much as I hate to say it, she’s right.

I nod my head in agreement. “So... what now? We just go back to bein’ friends? Or do we go back to tryin’ to pretend the other doesna exist?”

“I’m not sure. All I know is I don’t want to lose you from my life again.”

“I dinna want to lose you either, Sassenach.” 

Claire leaves the coffee mug in the desk in front of me before movin’ closer to me to pull me in to a hug. “Thank you for everything, Jamie. I’ve left my number on the kitchen counter. Call or text me anytime, alright?”

I pull myself back to look her in the eye. “Yer leavin’ now?” I ask, horrified. We havena had enough time. There’s still so much I want to talk about. 

“I have to go and see Mum and Dad. Spend some time with them before I catch my flight.”

I nod my head once. “Of course.” I say. “How are ye gettin’ to the airport? I can drive ye over if ye want?” I say, hopeful.

Claire smiles at me. “I already have a taxi booked, but I’m sure Mum will make me cancel it and insist she and Dad take me.”

“Aye, she probably will.” I laugh. “You go and see yer Ma and Da, and I suppose I’ll just... see ye around, Claire.”

Claire nods her head before givin’ me another hug.

I watch as Claire turns away to walk back in to the house to get her things before she heads over the road to see her parents.

I want nothin’ more than to go over there wi’ her, but I canna. I’ve spent enough time wi’ her since she’s been here. It’s only fair her parents get some time wi’ her too before she has to get back to London. 

I sit and and stare out the glass panelled door at the front of the workshop, and watch as I see Claire walkin’ down the path wi’ her suitcase and her bags. I feel bad for not offering to take them over for her, but I dinna ken if I could say goodbye. 

As Claire reaches the pavement out on the street, she turns back to look at the house once more. It’s hard to ken for sure, but I swear she’s cryin’. I think I can see her tryin’ to stop the tears from fallin’.

I dinna want to see her cry. I never want to see her cry. I never want her to be hurt or upset. I want to protect her from as much of the pain that I possibly can. 

Just as I stand to go after Claire, I stop just short of pullin’ open the door when I see both Henry and Julia comin’ out of their front door across the street. As soon as they recognise the woman on the street to be their daughter, they waste no time in runnin’ across to my side of the street and pullin’ her in for a family hug. It’s a beautiful sight to see. 

As I look out the window of the door, I smile as I watch the three of them interact wi’ each other. Henry takes Claire’s big bag off her shoulder and carries it over the road to his house for her, whilst Julia rolls the wee suitcase over. 

When they reach the other side of the street, Claire turns back once again, but instead of lookin’ at the house, she looks over to her right to look at the workshop. We catch each other’s eye, and Claire gives me a small smile and a wave. I wave goodbye too, but I canna return the smile. It hurts too much to think I’m losing her all over again.

I keep my eyes firmly on Claire as I watch her follow both her parents in to their home. 

Claire

As happy as I am to be home with my parents and hear how they celebrated Christmas with their friends, I can’t help but feel a little out of place. Unlike the house across the street, Mum and Dad’s place is completely different. They’ve even knocked the wall down that separated the kitchen and the dining room to make it in to one big kitchen/diner. It’s beautiful. They’ve also had a conservatory built on to the back of the house as well. 

I really like what they’ve done with the place, but it only just reminds me of how long I’ve been away.

Mum and Dad are both really excited to see me. They were a little disappointed that I hadn’t told them I was here on Christmas Eve, but they’ve forgiven me. I told them I’ve been staying with Jamie, and to my surprise, Mum hasn’t asked me too many questions about how things went between us. I’m glad really, because I’m not really sure what I would say.

I woke up this morning feeling the happiest I’ve been in six years. I never thought I would ever be able to be that happy again, but this morning I was. The grief and the guilt over Faith is still there, that will never leave me, but I think being with Jamie has really helped me to heal a little bit more.

Jamie said something about us having to heal separately for a while, and I think he’s right. I think we needed to take some time apart to work through our own demons before we could start to work through things together. I just wish I hadn’t been gone so long. All that’s done is prevented Jamie and I from moving on together. But now we have a chance for that. 

As Mum and Dad take my things out to the car, I stand in the kitchen and look out the window and across the street to the house I still class as home. It killed me to walk away last time. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to do it again. 

Once upon a time, that house was my worst nightmare. I hated living in it. I hated the fact I felt suffocated by living in the same house that my daughter had died in. It made me feel sick. I just needed out. I needed to leave.

When I stepped inside the other night, I still felt a little unease, but I also felt a sense of calm flowing through me. It was like I was where I needed to be. I was where I belonged. I haven’t felt that in a long long time. 

I glance over to the garage that Jamie has now turned in to his workshop. From where I stand in the kitchen, I can see him sat at his desk, but he isn’t working. He isn’t doing anything. He looks... lost.

How long has he been sat there like that?

It upsets me to see him like this. Especially when I know deep down that it’s down to me that he’s not himself.

If I could stay, I would. 

I want to stay. I want to be with Jamie and try and rebuild what we once had. There has never been anyone else for me, and from what he’s said, I’m the only one for him.

Why should we spend the rest of our lives apart and be miserable, when we could be together and try to be happy again? Be us again. I know it’s what we both want. I know we both need it. We deserve it. It wouldn’t be easy, but it has to be worth a try, right?

When Mum comes back in to the house to tell me it’s almost time to go, I feel panic. My heart starts to race, and not in a good way. 

I can’t leave things like this. Not with Jamie. I can’t leave him again when I want to be his wife again. He told me I never stopped being his wife. I want a chance to prove to him that he was right not to give up on me. On us.

I run out of the kitchen and head for the front door. Mum calls after me, but I ignore her. I keep running until I’m out on the street and I see Jamie coming out of the workshop. He looks down the driveway and sees me on the street. I look both ways before crossing the road, and Jamie walks quickly towards me. As soon as we meet at the end of the drive way, he reaches out for me and I jump up in to his arms and wrap my legs around his waist. I don’t even give him a chance to speak before my mouth is on his and I kiss him madly and passionately so he knows how I feel about him. 

“What was that for?” Jamie asks breathlessly when we finally pull apart.

“It’s a promise.”

“Promise for what?”

“I promise that I will be back here in two weeks time. If you’ll let me?”

“Two weeks?”

“Two weeks. Let me work my two weeks notice at work, then I’m coming home. I don’t want to be parted from you any more, Jamie. And I swear, if I didn’t have responsibilities down in London, I wouldn’t even consider going back there.” I tell him.

Jamie smiles at me. “Ye’re really coming’ home?”

I smile brightly back at him and nod my head. “I’m coming home.”

Just as I bend my head a little to capture Jamie’s mouth with my own again, Jamie feels Adso circling his feet again. Jamie let’s me down before he bends to pick up Adso. 

“Did ye hear that, Adso? Yer Ma is comin’ home.” Jamie coos at the cat.

I smile as I watch him with Adso. I even lift up my own hand to gently scratch behind Adso’s ear like he used to like before. To my surprise, Adso starts purring like he used to, instead of hissing at me and trying to claw at me like he has done the past couple of days.

“See, Sassenach. I told ye he just needed to get used to ye again.”

I reach over and kiss Jamie on the mouth again before taking Adso from him and cradling my little fur baby myself.

“I really should get going before I miss my flight though.” I say sadly.

“Aye.” Jamie agrees. “The sooner ye go, the sooner ye can return to me, right?”

I nod my head. “I’ll email my resignation from the airport so they have it before I get back. Hopefully they’ll accept it straight away and then I can just focus on coming back.”

“This isna just a dream, right? Ye really are comin’ back?”

“I’m really coming back, Jamie.” I smile up at him.

“I love ye, Claire.”

“I love you too, Jamie.”

Jamie

Hogmanay 

I should be on my way to Lallybroch right now to ring in the New Year wi’ my family and some friends. Unfortunately, I had to call my sister last night and tell her I had to bow out of yet another family function. She wasna overly happy at that, but when I told her why I couldna make it, she was more than understandin’ about the whole thing.

So, instead of drivin’ up to my families holiday home in the Highlands, I’ve just gotten off a plane in London and I’m about to go and meet Claire at her work when her shift finishes in about an hour. 

She doesna ken I’m comin’. I thought it would be a nice surprise for her. 

Hopefully.

By the time I get through the airport, catch a cab and make my way over to Claire’s work, I get there just in time to see Claire comin’ out the main entrance to the hospital wi’ a man a few years older than us. They seem verra friendly, but I dinna have any pangs of jealousy. I have a strong feelin’ this is the famous Dr Abernathy, Claire has told me so much about over the phone. 

“Oh. My. God!” Claire shouts. “Are you really here?” She calls over to me when she sees me.

I spread my arms wide for her to jump right in to them and see for herself. “Aye, Sassenach. I’m really here.” I whisper in to her wild and lose hair.

“I can’t believe it. Why? Shouldn’t you be at Lallybroch?”

“Nah.” I tell her. “I should be wherever you are. 

“I managed to extend my leave, so I’m available to help ye pack up the rest of yer things while ye’re at work, and we can travel home together. Even managed to get a seat beside ye on the plane.” I grin at her.

She’s speechless, and I canna help but laugh.

Suddenly she remembers her friend. She takes a couple of steps back and pulls her friend over to join us. 

“Jamie, this is Joe. My friend I’ve been telling you about.” 

Joe sticks his hand out between us and I clasp my own around his and we shake. 

“Joe, this is Jamie. My husband.”

I canna help the smile that spreads across my face when I hear my wife call me her husband for the first time in five years. 

Technically, we are no longer married, but that’s only a technicality. Somethin’ I plan on rectifying next Christmas Day if she’ll allow it. 

On what should be our Ninth wedding anniversary, and what will be more or less our first anniversary since getting back together, I hope to make Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp my legal wife once more.


End file.
